Forgiving Yourself: We Forgive Fluently in Every Language but Our Own

Hey friends,

There’s something about the way we talk about forgiveness that has always bothered me. When someone hurts you badly, everyone will tell you that you need to forgive them.

You have to forgive so you can move on.

Forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you.

You can’t heal while holding on to anger.

And maybe that feels true for some people. But I’ve never believed forgiveness is something you owe someone simply because they hurt you. I don't believe forgiveness should be the price of healing or proof that you've moved on.

Some things are hard to forgive.

Some things may be unforgivable.

And I think you should be allowed to decide that for yourself.

What I find interesting, though, is how passionately we encourage people to forgive the person who hurt them, and how rarely we bring that same energy to forgiving ourselves.

We’ll tell someone to forgive the person who betrayed them.

Forgive the parent who failed them.

Forgive the friend who hurt them.

Forgive the person who knew better and did it anyway.

But what about forgiving yourself for staying too long?

For ignoring what you knew.

For making the decision you wish you could take back.

For not knowing then what seems so obvious now.

For the years you think you wasted.

For the version of yourself who was simply trying to make a decision with the information, experience, fear, hope, and circumstances she had at the time.

Where is that same urgency when its ourselves that need the forgiveness?

If forgiveness really is for you, maybe some of it should actually go to you.

Maybe making peace with what happened doesn't have to mean making peace with the person who did it.

Maybe peace isn't letting them off the hook. Maybe it's finally letting yourself off it.

We forgive fluently in every language but our own.

Just a thought to sit with.

Until next time,

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Today’s Reflection

Notice

Think about something from your past that you still use as evidence against yourself. A decision. A relationship. Something you allowed. Something you didn't see soon enough.

Explore

If someone you loved told you the exact same story, would you judge her as harshly as you judge yourself?

What do you understand now about the person you were then that you couldn't have understood while you were living it?

Carry Forward

The next time you catch yourself putting an old version of yourself on trial, interrupt the argument. Replace “I should have known better” with “I know better now.”

Maybe forgiveness doesn't belong everywhere.

But it belongs here.