I wanna bounce something off you for a second...got a minute?
I've been thinking a lot lately about community. Connection. Real connection. The kind that doesn't happen in comment sections or through perfectly curated Instagram posts. The kind where you can be messy and real and not worry about someone screenshotting your vulnerability for the internet to dissect and chime in on.
And an oldie but goodie came to me: pen pals! (It all fits right, since I've named "our" community Penned Pals)
I know, I know. It sounds so... retro. Like something from a different era when we had more time and less anxiety about saying the wrong thing. Actually it is, but lock in with me here, because I think we've been missing something important.
The Last Time I Had a Pen Pal
The only time I ever had a pen pal was back in high school during Operation Desert Storm (I am aging myself but don't even start doing the math! lol) . We wrote to troops overseas - these letters full of mundane details about our teenage lives that probably seemed absurd compared to what they were experiencing. wait - was that weird? I was a teenage girl pen paling with a male Army Soldier - pretty sure that would be frowned upon in present times...I digress, let me focus. Back to what I was saying....Regardless of whether or not it was totally appropriate, I think it mattered. Those letters were connection. They were "you're not alone" written in blue ink on notebook paper.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately. About how we've lost that kind of intentional, unhurried connection. How we've traded depth for speed, and somehow convinced ourselves that liking someone's post counts as staying in touch.
Why This Matters for Anxious Hearts
What does a woman over 40 with anxiety do best? Overthink everything. Sadly, including friendships.
We worry we're too much. We second-guess every text before we send it (part of that is because we can't think of the proper word(s).....Hi perimenopause!). We draft messages and delete them seventeen times because what if it sounds needy? What if she's busy? What if I'm bothering her with my problems again?
We ghost perfectly good friendships because we've convinced ourselves we've waited too long to respond, and now it's just weird, right?
And then we wonder why we feel so isolated.
What Pen Pals Give Us That Texts Can't
There's something about letter writing that changes the whole dynamic. Maybe it's because:
You have time to think. There's no "typing..." bubble making you panic. No pressure to respond immediately. You can sit with your thoughts, cross things out, start over. You can be intentional instead of reactive.
Vulnerability feels safer. Something about putting pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard if you're doing the digital version) makes it easier to say the things we're afraid to say out loud. Ironically, having time and space between you makes it easier to let someone in.
It's okay to be messy. Your letter doesn't have to be profound or perfectly worded. It's not content. It's not performative. It's just... a conversation with someone who gets it.
You can't say the "wrong" thing. Well I mean, of course you can, but the beauty is your pen pal chose this slow, intentional form of communication too. They're not looking for hot takes or witty banter. They're looking for real. Can real go wrong? Not in my experience.
The Fear That Stops Us
I know you, so I know the voice in your head is saying:
"But what would I even write about?"
"What if I'm boring?"
"What if I run out of things to say?"
"What if she realizes I'm not as interesting as she thought?"
Listen. That voice is lying to you.
You are not boring. Your life is not too small to share. The everyday stuff - the book you're reading, the anxiety that woke you up at 3am, the funny thing your kid said, the way the light looked this morning - that's exactly what connection is made of.
We've been conditioned to think everything we share has to be social media-worthy or podcast-level profound. You don't have to worry about that with pen pals. They just want to know you're still there. They want to know you're human too.
What to Write When You Don't Know What to Write
Start simple:
What you're feeling today (and I mean really feeling. the good, the bad, the ugly.)
Something you're grateful for, even if it's just your coffee being the right temperature
A question you've been pondering
A worry you're carrying
Something that made you laugh
A memory that surfaced randomly
That's it. That's a letter.
You don't need profound insights. You just need honesty. And honestly? Sometimes the most connecting thing you can write is: "I don't even know what to say, but I wanted you to know I'm thinking of you."
Building This Kind of Connection
So, what if we brought pen pals back? Not as a trendy nostalgic practice because it's cute, but that we do it as genuine self-care. As a fun, creative form of anxiety management. As community building.
What if we found our people - women who get it, who are navigating this messy, beautiful, overwhelming season of life - and we just... showed up for each other in this slow, intentional way?
No algorithms. No engagement metrics. Just two humans saying "you matter to me" through words on a page.
Your Turn
I want to hear from you. Have you ever had a pen pal? Do you miss that kind of connection? Are you terrified of trying but also kind of intrigued?
Drop a comment below - and if you're looking for your Penned Pal, introduce yourself right here! Share whatever feels comfortable: your age, what you're navigating right now, your interests, how you'd like to connect (email, Instagram DM, etc.). Read through the other introductions, see who resonates, and reach out.
Sometimes the most connecting thing you can do is say: "Hey, me too. Want to write?"
Because here's what I know for sure: You are not too much. Your words matter. And someone out there needs to hear from you.
With love and a fresh pen,
P.S. If the idea of handwriting letters gives you hand cramps or anxiety (relatable), digital pen pals totally count. The medium doesn't matter - the intention does.
How does this feel? Want me to adjust the tone anywhere or add/remove sections?
