My Anxiety Origin Story: How Grief Triggered My First Panic Attack and 20+ Years of Living with Anxiety

Hey friend,

I don't usually share my anxiety origin story. Not because it's a secret, but because it's one of those stories that still makes my chest tight when I think about it too long. But I've realized that sharing our origin stories—the moments that changed us—helps other people feel less alone in theirs. So here we go.

It all started back in 2003 with the death of my grandfather.

Up to that point, I had never lost anyone close to me. This was the first. And it hurt. No—let me be more honest. It destroyed. I'm sure I had experienced trauma in childhood and for sure in college (we all have our stuff, right?), but this type of trauma hit different.

It felt like a part of me disappeared. I didn't feel like myself. I felt like I was dying. I know that sounds dramatic, but I genuinely couldn't tell the difference between grief and my own impending death. They felt like the same thing.  I couldn’t figure out how to describe how I felt to people.  I  just felt like something was wrong, in my mind, all I could liken it to was….dying. 

The Panic Attack That Changed Everything

Then came the panic attack.

It was close to Thanksgiving. I was grocery shopping—just doing normal life stuff, walking through the aisles with my cart, probably thinking about how much collard greens I needed to buy,  in the store I shopped at every single week. And then, out of nowhere, it hit.

My heart started racing. I got really hot.  I couldn't breathe. The fluorescent lights felt too bright. The sounds were too loud. I was convinced—CONVINCED—that I was going to pass out cold right there in the grocery store between the canned goods and the frozen turkeys.  I felt alone, I didn’t have anyone with me.  The fear of passing out in the store all alone only made things worse.  

Scariest thing ever. And I mean that. I've been through a lot of hard things in my life, but nothing prepared me for that moment when my own body turned against me and my brain was absolutely certain this was the end.

(Spoiler alert: I did not pass out in the grocery store. But it sure felt like I was going to.) My fight, flight or freeze response kicked in and I booked up out of there. (I am a flight girly, through and through)  I left the cart right in the middle of the aisle and ran out.  I got to my car, ripped off my coat  and sat there thinking…what. Was.  that?!?

What Therapy Taught Me

After that, I went to therapy. Best decision I ever made, honestly because it started to become hard for me to leave my house.  The fear and anxiety became debilitating.  My quality of life began to suffer.  No one in my life really understood, because they had not experienced anything like it.  But my therapist did.  She made it make sense. My therapist helped me understand that my grandfather's death forced me to face my own mortality.  Before that, death was this abstract thing that happened to other people. Old people. People in movies. Not people I loved. Not me. But losing him cracked open this truth I'd been able to ignore my whole life: we all die. Everyone I love will die. I will die. And I have zero control over when or how.

For some people, this realization is just... a fact of life. Sad, but manageable. For my anxiety brain? It became an obsession. A constant low-grade (and sometimes high-grade) terror running in the background of everything I did.

And I've been facing it ever since.

Not every single day is a battle with anxiety (thank goodness). But it's always there, lurking…simmering. Some days it's a whisper. Some days it's a scream. Most days it's somewhere in between, just this constant fear and uneasiness.  

Fun times! (Not.)

How I've Learned to Live With It

The hardest thing for me about anxiety is: you can't always make it go away. I've tried. Believe me, I've TRIED. But what you can do is learn how to manage it. How to function despite it. How to have a life even when your brain is convinced danger is around every corner.

Over the years, I've developed what I call my Anxiety Survival Kit—a collection of coping mechanisms that help me navigate the world when my brain wants to convince me it's not safe. Some of them might seem silly or small, but they WORK. 

My Anxiety Survival Kit: What I Actually Use

1. Earbuds (Non-Negotiable)

Whenever I go anywhere alone, I HAVE to bring earbuds with me. Have to. It's not optional.

Why? Because listening to something; music, podcasts, audiobooks, whatever—occupies my mind and keeps the panic/anxiety at a manageable level. Without something in my ears, my brain has too much space to spiral. It starts playing the what-if game. What if something bad happens? What if I have another panic attack? What if, what if, what if.  Once that starts, it's ON! The goal is to prevent that.  With my earbuds in, my brain has something else to focus on. It's distracted. It's occupied. It's listening to someone tell a story or sing a song, and that's just enough cognitive load to keep the anxiety from taking over completely.

If you decide to use this tip, be sure to not wear noise cancelling earbuds.  Although occupying your brain helps manage anxiety, you still want to be aware of your surroundings.

2. Gum (The Secret Weapon)

I always have gum with me. Always. It's in my purse, my car, my desk drawer, my coat pocket. 

Everywhere.

Chewing gum gives my brain something physical to do. It's rhythmic. It's repetitive. It's grounding. And there's actually science behind this—the act of chewing can signal to your nervous system that you're safe. (If you're eating, you're not running from a threat, right? That's the logic anyway.)

Plus, it keeps my jaw from clenching, which is something I do when I'm anxious without even realizing it. By the end of an anxious day, my jaw would be so tight I'd have a headache. I clench and grind my teeth so much that I’ve lost enamel!  Anxiety is wrecking my teeth too!! Gum helps prevent that.

My go-to? Peppermint or spearmint, of course. Something strong and cooling. The sensory input helps pull me back to the present moment when my brain wants to spiral into catastrophic thinking.

3. Water or tea (Cold Is Key)

I bring water everywhere. Specifically COLD water. Not just because I drink my water and mind my business (I do). Cold water is my emergency reset button. When I feel panic starting to well up—that increased pulse, sudden hot flash, the racing thoughts, the sense that something terrible is about to happen—I take a drink of cold water. The cold sensation shocks my system just enough to interrupt the panic spiral. It's like hitting pause on a runaway train.

Sometimes I'll hold the cold water bottle against my wrists or the back of my neck. The cold temperature activates a different part of my nervous system and can help calm the fight-or-flight response. It's not magic, but it helps. And on bad anxiety days, I'll take any help I can get.

4. My 'Safety Person' Text

I have a few people in my life who KNOW about my anxiety. Like, really know. They've seen me in full panic mode. They get it. I call them my safety people.  There was a point in time, before I figured out my anxiety survival kit, when driving alone in the car caused a lot of anxiety.  I would feel panic attacks coming on whenever I was stuck in traffic or even stopped at a traffic light.  I learned that calling my husband or a friend and talking helped out a lot (I also found routes with the least amount of traffic lights and traffic even if it added more miles and time to my commute. Told you…I was willing to do anything).  My safety people were always there to answer my call and talk me home. It was just enough to make my brain believe I was safe and I was not alone. 

5. The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

This one I learned in therapy and it's been a lifesaver. When panic hits and I feel like I'm disconnecting from reality (dissociation is FUN, said no one ever), I use the 5-4-3-2-1 technique:

• 5 things I can see (the red sign, that person's blue jacket, the floor tiles, my hands, the ceiling)

• 4 things I can touch (my jeans, the shopping cart handle, my phone in my pocket, my hair)

• 3 things I can hear (the background music, someone talking, the hum of the freezers)

• 2 things I can smell (the coffee from the Starbucks inside the store, my peppermint gum)

• 1 thing I can taste (my gum, or I'll take a sip of water)

This brings me back to my body and the present moment. It reminds my brain: you're here. You're safe. You're not dying. You're just anxious. And anxiety, while awful, is not dangerous.

6. Mantras I Actually Believe

I am big on affirmations.  I like to write them over and over and over.  They always return me to calm, not always immediately, but I always eventually get there.  I have a few mantras that I've repeated so many times they've become believable:

• "I am calm. I am poised. I am serene.”

• "This feeling is temporary. It always passes."

• "I'm safe right now in this moment."

• "My brain is lying to me. This is anxiety, not reality."

These work because they're based on evidence from my own life. I WILL return to calmness, serenity and peacefulness. The feeling HAS always passed eventually. I AM usually safe even when my brain says I'm not. Facts help more than feelings when anxiety is running the show.

7. Permission to Leave

This one is huge and I wish I'd learned it earlier: I give myself permission to leave situations that are making my anxiety unbearable.  I’m a little socially awkward (I feel incredibly awkward, like, all the time - even if I hide it well), so I used to force myself to stay places even when I was actively panicking because I didn't want to seem rude or weird or dramatic. But I’ve gotten to that phase in life where I don’t care what anyone thinks about me or any decisions I make. My mental health is more important than someone else's opinion of me.  Now, if I'm somewhere and the anxiety is too much, I leave. Sometimes I make an excuse ("I forgot something in my car"). Sometimes I'm honest ("I need to step outside for a minute"). Sometimes I just leave without explanation.

Wanna know the interesting part about that?: just KNOWING I can leave makes it easier to stay. It's like having an emergency exit sign. The option to leave makes me feel less trapped, which makes the anxiety less intense. Sometimes I don't even need to use it, just knowing it's there is enough.

8. Routine and Predictability

My anxiety brain and my Capricorn brain HATES uncertainty. The unknown is where it sees danger. So I've learned to create as much routine and predictability as I can in my daily life (I am married to a Sagittarius who is the antithesis of planning and routines - he’s very much a fly by the seat of his pants guy..so….yea, fun). I shop at the same grocery store at the same time. I take the same routes to places I go regularly. I have a morning routine that's pretty much the same every day. This might sound boring to some people, but for me? It's calming. My brain knows what to expect, so it can relax a little.

When I DO have to do something new or unpredictable, I prepare. I look up the place ahead of time. I figure out parking. I have a plan. The more I can reduce uncertainty, the better I feel.

What I Want You to Know

If you're reading this and you have anxiety too—whether it came from a specific event like mine or just showed up one day uninvited—I want you to know a few things:

You're not broken. Your brain is trying to protect you. It's just... really bad at threat assessment. 

That's not your fault.

Your coping mechanisms are valid. I don't care if they seem silly or small or weird. If they help you function, they're valid. Earbuds and gum might seem dumb, but they've helped me get through normal, everyday errands and that's no small feat.

It's okay if you can't 'just get over it.' That is not a realistic expectation of anxiety.  Anxiety isn't something you can logic your way out of. It's not a choice. It's not weakness. It's a real thing happening in your real brain and body, and it deserves to be taken seriously.

You're allowed to ask for help. Therapy changed my life. Medication helps some people (not my journey, but valid for those it helps). Support groups. Books. Friends who get it. There are so many resources nowadays, whatever help looks like for you, you're allowed to reach for it.

You're doing better than you think. If you're functioning at all while dealing with anxiety, you're basically a superhero. Seriously. Most people don't understand how much energy it takes to do normal life stuff when your brain is screaming danger signals at you all day.

Check this out: Twenty-plus years later, I'm still facing my mortality. I'm still dealing with anxiety. But I've also built a life that's full and meaningful despite it. I have a family. I have work I care about. I have friendships and experiences and joy.

Anxiety hasn't won. It hasn't stopped me from living. It's just... part of my story now. Part of who I am. And I've learned to make space for it while also making space for everything else I want my life to be.

You can do that too. It won't look the same as anyone else's journey. And it shouldn't. But you can figure out what works for YOU. What helps YOUR brain feel safer. What gets YOU through the hard moments.

Build your own survival kit. Find your own tools. Give yourself permission to do whatever you need to do to make it through. And know that you're not alone in this.

I'm right here with you, earbuds in, gum in my purse, cold water in hand, taking it one moment at a time.

P.S. If you're new to anxiety, or if you just had your first panic attack—I'm so sorry. I know how terrifying it is. But I promise you: it gets more manageable. You'll learn your triggers. You'll find your tools. You'll figure out what works. Give yourself time and compassion. You're going to be okay.

P.P.S. To my grandfather: I miss you. And I'm sorry that losing you is what cracked me open. But I'm also grateful for everything you taught me while you were here. I'm trying to live a life you'd be proud of—anxiety and all. I think I'm doing okay.

What's in YOUR anxiety survival kit? I'd love to hear what helps you. We can learn from each other. Drop a comment or send me a message—your tool might be exactly what someone else needs to hear about.